Trying to Make Sense of it All

The past week has been one of the most emotional and trying weeks this year.  My head is still spinning, my emotions are in turmoil and I admit I am confused as to the direction God is taking my life.

 

We have been doing foster care for two years and recently we took care of a 1 year old boy.  This particular assignment was especially difficult and took extra grace and patience, as this little one was extremely unhappy.  In fact, pretty much the entire time he was in our home, he cried, yelled, screamed, threw a fit, you name it.  Nothing I could do would soothe him.  It got on all of our nerves.  We tried to do school over his screams.  Eventually, I’d have to give him toys, put him in his playpen and shut the door just so my kids could concentrate.  In the evening, I’d feed him, diaper him, play with him and then put in earplugs to do my work just so I wouldn’t have to listen to his screams as he just walked around crying for no apparent reason.  We all gave him as much love and affection as he would allow us to, but basically he was just a very unhappy little guy.  The exception to this was on the week-ends when his grandma would come to pick him up.  His whole countenance would change, he would light up and lunge into her arms.  It was evident to all that he belonged in her home.  Thankfully, the system worked quickly and he went home to live with her two weeks ago.

 

Last Sunday we received the devastating news that he died unexpectedly in his sleep.  There was no explanation for his death, no wrongdoing, no one was to blame, it just happened.

 

I admit, I have had a terrible week.  I can’t even imagine how awful the week has been for his grandma and mom.  But for me, I was assailed with unproductive guilt.  Did I miss something obvious?  Did I do something I didn’t realize?  Was I somehow, even in some small way to blame?  All of this, I knew, was from the Enemy, but I struggled to fight against these thoughts.  At the same time I had an overwhelming fear for my own children.  That somehow I would be blamed and my children would be taken away.  I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep.  I prayed desperately, confessing my irrational, sinful thoughts, my anxiety and turning it over to God every night.

 

His funeral was on Saturday and it was an amazing picture of God’s grace and mercy.  It was the closure that our whole family needed. Daniel, especially, has been having a difficult time dealing with his death.  The Men’s Choir from Teen Challenge, a faith-based rehab program, was there to sing and to share their hope and faith in Jesus Christ and how faith in Christ set them free from addiction and bondage and guilt.  The pastor, too, shared an amazing message of freedom and grace.  We learned that the baby’s mother, just the day before the funeral, accepted that message and put her faith and trust in Jesus Christ for salvation.  We were able to speak with her and encourage her and the baby’s grandma.

 

We often pray for the moms’ of the babies we care for, but hardly ever see any results.  We very rarely are privileged to follow up with them. So, to be able to know that some good came out of this tragedy as a result of the prayers of many, was so comforting. 

 

Romans 8:28 promises “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

It’s pretty amazing to know that this baby’s mom was one of those that God has called according to His purpose and that He can use even the death of a little baby for good.   His name was glorified on Saturday.

 

In spite of all of this, I have to admit, I’m still trying to make sense of it all.  No, I don’t have to know why.  I don’t doubt that God is good.  It’s just, I’m wondering what is my part in all of this now.  We had another close call with a foster baby this summer.  A little preemie we were caring for stopped breathing, we rushed her to the hospital and by God’s grace, she was cared for by the ER staff and lived.  But, she still spent a week in the hospital and has so many challenges in front of her.  I don’t want to live according to my feelings and I want to do the will of God. But, I’m also wondering if it’s time for the drama to end.  I’m just trying to figure out, what in the world is God doing in my life here.  I don’t want to get it wrong.  I’m tired.  I’m emotional.  But, I’m also scared to disobey God.

 

Today I heard Chip Ingram remind us that God always fulfills His promises.  And he reminded us of one in James.  With an open heart, but with some fear and trembling too, I’m asking,

 

James 1:5 “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

I need wisdom right now and if I ask, God’s Word promises to give generously.

 

“Give me a revelation, I don’t what to do. Cuz I’ve been trying to find my way, I haven’t got a clue.  Tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move?  Give me a revelation, I got nothing without You, I got nothing without You.” – Third Day, Revelation